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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29239383">i won’t stop feeling the weight of my world</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocshia/pseuds/rocshia'>rocshia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>LOONA (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Chuu likes Hyejoo but Hyejoo never finds out, Eating Disorders, F/F, Hyejoo is down bad fr, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Music, Oneshot, Sad Ending, Song: You seemed So Happy (The Japanese House), kinda sad, not as short as the cherry lime fic but still short :’), slight vent fic, son hyejoo has an eating disorder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:02:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,172</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29239383</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocshia/pseuds/rocshia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>hyejoo’s crush on chuu is her motivation to get out of bed and go to school; she wants to see her happy, but she’s not even happy herself.</p><p>or</p><p>hyejoo knows these things don’t matter to anybody like chuu.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Jiwoo | Chuu/Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i won’t stop feeling the weight of my world</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>at first, chuu was just another person to hyejoo; just another popular girl who talks a lot during class. just another popular girl spinning in the teacher's chair with wheels at the bottom while said teacher is away. </p><p>just another popular girl spinning towards hyejoo.</p><p>“can i borrow a pencil?”</p><p>“i don’t have one.” hyejoo can’t risk giving someone a pencil when she needs to pack her stuff ahead of time  to get out of class early.</p><p>“dammit!” she slightly pouts. “do you know my name?”</p><p>
  <i>what a weird question.<i></i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>it’s jiwoo, but everybody calls her chuu.</p><p>“no.” hyejoo lies to not waste time, and chuu spins away only to get reprimanded by the teacher later.</p><p>another week goes by, and it’s just another tuesday  with chuu.</p><p>she wishes she never looked at her longer than she should’ve that tuesday.</p><p>she wishes she never fell in love with her stupid smile.</p><p>she wishes chuu would stop coming to her table and that chuu would stop looking at her even at times hyejoo doesn’t even look at her herself.</p><p>somehow she still passes her science class, even when all she thinks about is chuu.</p><p>chuu’s wearing an oversized black shirt with a pink pleated skirt today, and she looks horrifyingly cute in it. hyejoo stares at her and her black hair with highlights that aren’t in pigtails for once longer than she should, which instantly came with a consequence.</p><p>the first thing hyejoo feels is <i>pure embarrassment.<i></i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
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</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
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</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>chuu looks in her eyes— and she quickly looks away. <i>‘she probably thinks i’m weird.’<i> hyejoo’s thoughts are slowly consuming her; she wonders how many calories she is.</i></i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
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    <i></i>
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    <i></i>
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</p><p>definitely way more than yves.</p><p>with short brown hair, the ability to pull of a masculine style and a feminine style, fashionable outfit posts that get tons of likes, and a thin body, yves is just perfect in every way, and she happens to be one of chuu’s greatest friends aside from gowon.</p><p>gowon always jokes about chuu and yves being husband and wife, and chuuves always laugh it off, and hyejoo always hears them.</p><p>it’s just a friendly joke.</p><p>it’s not like hyejoo had a chance.</p><p>
  <i>‘she never knew me well anyways.’<i></i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
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</p><p>the bell rings, and it’s time for hyejoo to go back home to a melancholy life.</p><p>she should’ve started packing her stuff back in her bag before the bell, because now she’s the only person in the room…</p><p>aside from chuu, of course.</p><p>chuu walks up to hyejoo’s desk like she’s going to say something, but she chooses not to and leaves the classroom.</p><p>chuu wishes she said something.</p><p>hyejoo can’t stop thinking about what she was going to say. she thinks about it all night, and all morning when she wakes up to go to school again.</p><p>—</p><p>it’s lunch time, and hyejoo’s desire to be a perfect, deathly thin pretty girl kicks in. she read somewhere if she high restricts, she’ll lose more weight that way, but there’s something so nice about just not eating at all.</p><p>she sits with her friends again, but chuu’s friend group is sitting right behind her. just great.</p><p>she pretends to sleep, just to stare at their table through her arms. maybe if she had thinner arms, she’d get a better view.</p><p>she looks over at yves, eating a cake together with chuu. <i>how is she so effortlessly skinny?<i></i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
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</p><p>hyejoo wishes she could be like that.</p><p>hyejoo wishes she could be with chuu.</p><p>but they’ve only spoken twice, and chuu probably doesn’t remember. </p><p>hyejoo hopes chuu asks her for a pencil again, but it never happens, and she never speaks to her again, and she never will love her like she loves yves.</p><p>as the days go by, chuu slowly gets thinner, but hyejoo doesn’t notice, because she’s too infatuated with the girl's smile to notice anything else.</p><p>the girl starts to show up everyday in an oversized sweater or hoodie, and all hyejoo can think of is how cute she looks in them. it must be nice being so damn adorable, having so much fun, and having amazing grades.</p><p>as for hyejoo, her grades are dropping, and she keeps losing more and more hair. it’s almost noticeable now, and she’d rather die than let chuu see. </p><p>chuu is like a light in her world, and it’s stupid and she hates it. she knows chuu probably likes yves and that thinking of her all day is a waste of her time, but hyejoo doesn’t want to remember how bad life is when she’s not thinking of chuu.</p><p>she hates herself for making chuu her little coping bunny for the lack of love she gets at home and wanting to be with somebody she doesn’t have the guts to talk to after trying to get with a popular boy who… wasn’t as nice.</p><p>she hates feeling like she’s living just to die, but she is. she’s just living to make it through another week of school; just to pass her classes, just to make it to saturday, just to make it to her bed, all while trying to have her dream body…</p><p>but now, it seems like her dream body isn’t enough.</p><p>she wants to be even skinnier.</p><p>she wants to be a living and breathing pair of bones.</p><p>she wants to live in a world where her brain isn’t fucking stupid. </p><p>she wishes her brain was just like chuu’s.</p><p>before going to sleep, hyejoo likes a few posts on her phone, brushes her teeth, listens to music, cries a little, and writes a sweet note. a thoughtful note, dedicated to her family and friends.</p><p>she rests her head on her pillow knowing these things don’t happen to anybody like chuu.</p><p>hyejoo dreams of being perfect and happy.</p><p>the sky is a pastel pink, adorned in rainbows and glittering gems that act as clouds in the sky. in fact, the only cloud there is the one hyejoo is lying on.</p><p>she hasn’t had a dream this good in a while.</p><p>all of a sudden, she can see a red liquid seeping from her arm.</p><p>“is it…?”</p><p>this was supposed to be a good dream.</p><p>“blood?”</p><p>panicking, the girl turns her head around to look for something to stop the bleeding. she can faintly see chuu, with the same exact bleeding arm. chuu looks at her in horror.</p><p>the last thing hyejoo feels is disbelief,</p><p>and she doesn’t wake up.</p><p>
  <i>however, chuu wakes up, but she wishes she didn’t.<i></i></i>
</p><p>
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    <i></i>
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</p><p>chuu says she’ll eat breakfast at school, but she doesn’t. she doesn’t eat the whole day. she wants to go to science class, to see if the girl with black hair still cares about her.</p><p>she wishes she spoke to her that day.</p><p>she wishes she had the courage to ask for something more than a stupid pencil.</p><p>
  <i>maybe she can ask her for tape.<i></i></i>
</p><p>
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    <i></i>
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</p><p>the science classroom is like it always is, to everybody except her. chuu wonders why hyejoo isn’t at school today, but she wishes she never asked.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is basically a longer version of the chanlix fix lol</p><p>somewhat inspired by my crush on someone in my science class :’) except the girl he liked wasn’t skinny</p><p>and i feel like the way i wrote it implies that hyejoo killed herself because chuu doesn’t love her, but chuu was her reason to **live**, not to die.</p><p>moral: everybody has struggles, even seemingly perfect people.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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